Carve a niche; get it out there

Carve a niche; get it out there

When I was younger I wanted to be liked by everyone. Sometimes it was a conscious thought but mostly it was just who I was. My mother taught me that by being a good person, I would be liked – ergo the desire to be liked drives positive behaviours. It’s just such a shame that sometimes you have to compromise yourself to be liked by others.

Remember your teenage years? When the pain of being singled out for ridicule or being shunned was the worst kind of agony in the world? How you would do anything to avoid being the one who was ostracized. So if everyone else is wearing the three stripe adidas trackpants with white ankle socks and plastic soled ‘karate’ shoes then you would nag, whinge, cry, and throw whatever tantrums you needed to convince your mother that you absolutely ‘had to have’ the same.

And you know what? It takes a long time to lose that inherent desire to conform. I guess some people never lose it and for most people (well women particularly) there will always be a desire to know what other people are saying about ‘people’ just so you can see where your values sit on the ‘normal’ scale.

But the older I have got, the more comfortable I have become with living outside the norm. Don’t get me wrong, compared to my husband, I am a dyed in the wool conservative with rigid rules on what is right and what is wrong. When you live with someone who sees the world in a different way – you can throw your hands up and walk away because you refuse to change from the ‘norm’ or you find a way to keep your values and accept his as well.

And that puts me in a unique space to be honest – because his friends live in a very different niche from the norm indeed and they, as a rule, find it impossible to maintain long term relationships with people who don’t follow the same path as they do.

On a good day, I take this to mean that I am stronger and more willing to compromise than the average punter. That I rely on trust and some kind of understanding to allow people to be their own selves without prejudice. On a bad day I am terrified that I am really just like my mother and am willing to compromise all of myself for fear of change or being alone. Those are bad days indeed and on those days my husband is the most bewildered and we have to sit and hold hands as tight as we can and commit again to working it through; for sticking through my down days and looking for the brighter side of life.

And I know that as women, we all compromise ourselves – I speak to so many who say that they would rather stay with the man who drives them insane than be out there in the world alone and with kids. And I am completely sympathetic to them because I know that I have the same fears.

So this I say, is my niche – the one that I have carved for myself. And somedays it is not a comfortable place to be. I no longer try and explain my life to other people because they don’t actually understand and to be honest, I have spent far too long justifying decisions to myself to want to do it with others. So sometimes the niche pinches and is harder because there is no-one to talk to about it; but then I remember that I have my husband and he understands completely the space we are living in and he is the very best person to talk to and he is the one that has to understand more than others.

This is my niche. I have carved it for myself and most of the time it is a good place to be. There are times when my desire to conform and be ‘just like everyone else’ wraps me is shrouds of fear and doubt and yes, even rage – but when I come through to the other side I remember that I am proud of where I am and where I have come from. Life is never perfect and life is rarely easy – but if you have someone you love you can hold on tight and make it the best damned ride you can.